Because I hate.

2008-04-08T18:12:00.002+07:00

I'm quite devastated that my memory somehow failed me of recalling NaPoWriMo, resulting in me now lagging 8 days, or perhaps more, behind. Shall try my utmost best to make up for it. Here goes the first.

Paper chalk perched
between kissing lips;
exchanging saliva with
another's sponge.
You're more than a garden
with flowers in your tress
and rolled up weed,
making love,

to branches and throat on
an affair's sigh.

I had a brief conversation with Anna this Arvo and wished time back. Say rewinding's an option, I'd. Dependency is my greatest fear of all, this battle's long lost.

Title and Registration by Death Cab For Cutie

2008-04-03T14:23:00.002+07:00

The glove compartment is inaccurately named, and everybody knows it. So I'm proposing a swift orderly change. Cause behind its door, there's nothing to keep my fingers warm, and all I find are souvenirs from better times. Before the gleam of your taillights fading east, to find yourself a better life. I was searching for some legal document. As the rain beat down on the hood, when I stumbled upon pictures I tried to forget, and that's how this idea was drilled into my head. Cause it's too important to stay the way it's been, there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all, and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night. There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade, and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all and here I rest where disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night (up all night) when I'm lying awake at night.

Was the love even there in the first place? Someone please intellectualize my emotions.

Crawl

2008-04-03T10:06:00.002+07:00

I woke up to the sound of hideousness, and cracked eggs, like your fingers fondering your womb. It melts like grey. Nay, you say, have no womb, like a man does; he does? You ain't a bloody, man, says who? Aye, I, nights are thin, wrapped twice around tear glands, and never was I up to the lungs, to breathe. Your face is sickly, I'd rather give my colours to a kneel over a porcelain built, and devour the putrid essence of others before me; now that tongues can see, mine opposes to exchange foam with, for spillage passes and yours is a case of dust. And mind you, it ain't sunshine dust nor them on words.

2008-04-01T18:30:00.002+07:00

"The egoism of love made them immune to the general distress" -The Plague by Albert Camus.

So is it to say that to deprive oneself of love is to be selfless? Then I'd be. Queer, queer. 'Twas a man with a head, with a pretty tongue spewing such colours, painting a rainbow blue and wax. He's no man. Laugh and be known.

2008-03-29T15:54:00.002+07:00

Recently, I've somehow summoned up sufficient stupidity to lock up my conscience and then put on a case of amnesia. Lying isn't that difficult, is it? A social life definitely isn't working any magic on me, however, count on it to be a razor and shave one's brains off like strands of tress; just perhaps, in this case, it refuses to contribute fresh shoots after such ill treatment. Boy, does it hold such grudge; has it not heard of forgiveness? Flesh isn't much of a treat when they come by themselves, with lack of substance and lack of. Life, say life. Who is it to say, life. None of them are. Mere walking and talking bottle of Ethanol and ashtray. I was always less.

And off I go.

Let's Dance To Joy Division by The Wombats

2008-03-22T12:46:00.001+07:00

So let the love tear us apart,
I've found the cure for a broken heart,
Let it tear us apart.

They say love.

2008-03-18T19:42:00.002+07:00

Jeremy, spew
ink and thread
the crumbs, of me.
They say, be
(gone!)
-------------------------------------------------
Nietzsche, save! An animal
and bear me in your lungs;
inhale me to be dust,
and choke.
Pale knuckles hold crayon
and delivers itself blood;
it talks of fear and befriends
me.
-------------------------------------------------
Spitting tongues grow on themselves, to
amplify; saliva points to the door. To perish
is to respire under your thumb, and that
dull chunk doesn't colour its grey, draws red.
Be meat and butchered, as like to take white
little pills; tell sleep to package me as it does
to ham; make plastic a dress, because
blade and blade wants me to be asexual;
would be once kitchen utensils, inside your
palm, shake hands with me. Say, hello.
Hello.

2008-03-16T11:14:00.002+07:00

Long time no see. This is the consequence of being brainless and resorting to smoking in school toilets, not realizing how accessible it is to the rest of the student body.

And as usual, my life's heading nowhere. So be it.

Socialising is a pain.

Alright by Supergrass.

2008-03-02T17:33:00.000+07:00

<3s

Korean. Boys.

2008-03-02T08:24:00.003+07:00

I figured, that emotions are primarily based on thoughts' subjectiveness. Thoughts are prone to personal opinion; it is beyond possibility for one to be completely clear of oneself. For example, when an individual gets infuriated based on say, another spilling beverage onto him by accident, he does so because he reckons the particular action of being extremely impolite, or perhaps plainly because he had a new attire on at that moment. Those explicitly implied are only two out of an infinite amount of possibilities whose foundations are built upon personal factors. To say love is an emotion is mistaken, for, to recap the point earlier, emotions are the consequences of thoughts. Love is the state where it starts gaining an upper hand over one's mindset, and hence, is insanity. One in love, is one without much mind to think.

But you make me head spin 'round and 'round.

Yes, dear. I think when I rest my head. The thoughts, they just wouldn't quit.

Vanity.

2008-02-26T18:43:00.003+07:00

School is of frivolous personality. Contrary to belief, power is not based on popularity but based on manipulation instead. One who wins the higher authority's favour, wins the game. Heck, but school refuses to work as such. I'm lonesome, for adolescence does not see past majority of its victims. As Nietzsche puts it,
"When it wants to communicate itself, every nobler spirit and taste also selects its audience; in selecting them it also debars 'the others'. All the more subtle rules of style have their origin bid 'admission', understanding - while at the same time they alert the ears of those who are related to us through their ears." I see I'm facing the wrong direction and my audience is now vacuum, eaten by its own pursue of what is artificial. And I, am above. Perhaps, I no longer sense as you do; however I can laugh heartily as my hell is your heaven, and we are, apart in disposition. Quoting again, "You look up when you desire to be exalted. And I look down because I am exalted. He who climbs upon the highest mountains laughs at all tragedies, real or imaginary. Courageous, untroubled, mocking, violent - that is what wisdom wants us to be..." I live with serenity in mind, as envy does not find its way into me through minute passages of trivial matters regarding the woes which flows with mortality. I mock and I merely glance under me, because I have the power to. I have the access to the ladder to climb further up. And you, mortal fools, have no wings to ascend.

2008-02-24T19:44:00.002+07:00

This is a horrifying experience to go through. I practically watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. 12 hours straight. And that's an at least.

My fingers have been itching to reach out for Maarten's left over pack of Marlboro Gold since I woke up this morning, yearning for cigarettes. At 7.30 in the blistering morning. I mean, how in Prostitute Jesus' name did I get hooked in merely one night. Okay, scratch that and rewrite it with let's say, 3 hours, perhaps? 9 sticks wasn't that large a number, it is?

I need, something. Either recreational drugs, lots of Absolut, or somebody's face to punch.

Music, I'm back. It's been long since we last met. I miss you, Heartwork.

And I'd be a norm and stench with my decay.

Shady Lane by Pavement

2008-02-17T08:11:00.003+07:00

Has been a couple.

Saw Hamtie, Alice, Blandon, Rahmat, Amin and whoever else on Disney Channel yesterday. Was hilarious. Good old times. Reminiscence found its way past me.

Singaporean accent sounds so sickly. Degrading. I hope I'd never go back to that accent again.

Hell, I wasted 3 years of my life in China, 11 years of my life in Singapore, and on the way to completing one year down the drain in Vietnam. Lovely.

I need sweet relish.

Mariana.

2008-02-10T10:03:00.000+07:00

Abbreviations and another
clumsy claustrophobic pause
-- for love? But the lights
say go, perhaps it's time
to steer and begone, into.

Cement tells no story,
it has no tongue to spit.
Words in a box now lasts no more
than an anorexic's appetite.
April's rain left without me.

"Your thoughts are shallow." Lovely. Requital only goes so far. "Hey. I can't be telling him I love him and going outside to hook up with other boys, what would he think I am? Cheap?" Okay, so now I am cheap. I've seen enough to know that lower life forms aren't something worth dedicating your woes to. Cheers.

My Love is Stronger Than Your Love by Red Riders

2008-02-10T10:00:00.000+07:00

Well I was only here for the weekend
I kinda hung around for the week
You took me in showed me things I never knew
Oh you left me lonesome now I can't speak
I can't speak, I can't speak, I won't speak now

Baby you know this ain't love
My love is stronger than your love
Well baby how could this be love?

Well I was only here for the reason
The season when your pearl necklace broke
The words we murmured so no one ever heard them
Mean nothing now but I can't let go
Don't let go, don't let go, don't you go

But all of your visions and missions to Mars
Were hung up in the headlights they were written in the stars
And all this ambition's ambivalence bound
I knew that it would
Oh you know that it's good when it hurts like it should

Forever Young by Youth Group

2008-02-07T13:41:00.000+07:00

Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad men

Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders we're getting in tune
The music's played by the mad men

Forever young, I want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever and ever
Forever young, I want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever? Forever young

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later they all will be gone
why don't they stay young

It's so hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fleeing horse
Youth's like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever

So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

Chinse New Year.

2008-02-07T11:44:00.000+07:00

Chinese New Year. Pathetic amount of Red Packet money received.

Love is such a trivial matter. Hell, life itself is trivial. I don't see why certain individuals flush their time and thoughts down the toilet in pursue of love, or fling, or whatever they regard it as. I officially pull out of conforming to social expectations. I don't see any need in sharing my life with anybody else. It kind of amazes me how certain (I won't name any names because it'll take hours to just list them) girls dedicate their life to doing so. At least my disposition is a tad higher than that. I don't need lower lifeforms with dangling members downstairs to reassure me of my existence and what not. Hell, I just wish I can completely convince myself of that.

I need to escape to England.

This stench is suffocating.

Dwayne

2008-02-05T12:39:00.001+07:00

Watched Little Miss Sunshine twice over the past 3 days. Dwayne is such an adorable character. As mentioned in Wikipedia, he "is a Nietzsche-reading teenager who has taken a vow of silence until he can accomplish his dreams of becoming a test pilot." Lovely, eh? (I'd rather suffer to learn than be joyful in ignorance.)

2008-02-05T10:32:00.000+07:00

Golden eye melts
and devours its own saliva.
Feeds, tongue, feeds.
Gutters.

2008-02-05T10:26:00.000+07:00

Little man blue
Perish with tripping stones
Breathe flesh and radiate

I want to feel

Long Time No See

2008-02-05T09:07:00.000+07:00

Was watching TV5Monde Asie the previous night and stumbled upon La Crise. Djamila and her wise words, along the line of "She shake him, he shake her. They moan. It's all pretty ridiculous." Yet people pay for it with high prices of money, time and emotions. Mortal fools. I shall (attempt to) differ.

Picked up guitar again after hell of a long time yesterday, felt good. Was a relief.

Somebody please intellectualize my emotions.

Jeremy, my little-gay-lover-boy. <3

2008-02-01T18:28:00.001+07:00

Hell, this might be as personal as my blog would explicitly get.

I don't need to be enlightened on how this is the World Wide Web and pornography is as real as acquaintanceship gets.

So, Jeremy decided to retire from that little den of ours. Got sick of the stench of our excretion. Didn't think an air-freshener would be bought anytime soon. So he quits. Sure, some wants your little poet's head drilled. Probably due their mentality being reduced into shreds and the inability to accept their own incompetency. Well, not all wants you gone. For one, I definitely do not. Neither would Robby, I trust. I just hope that I'm not included in the general reference of "ingrates". Hell, most plausibly I am.

Just wished to stick a straw into that ingenious brain and give a sincere thanks for all the help you've given me, writing-wise (take a look at the pieces I've written before your arrival and you'll see the wide gap) and moral-wise (the Rowan/Roman-boy-who-can't-spell case). Oh yes, not forgetting the introduction of Yaoi and pretty homosexual asses. Here be a few saline given to the concrete in remembrance of you. There you go.

I'll miss you.

23 by Jimmy Eat World

2008-02-01T18:16:00.000+07:00

I fell for sure last night, once we said goodbye.
No one else will know these lonely dreams; no one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry every day;
I won't always love these selfish things, I won't always live; not stopping.

It was my turn to decide, I knew this was our time.
No one else will have me like you do; no one else will have me, only you.

You'll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time.
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready, holding on tight.
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine

Creation Lake by Silversun Pickups

2008-01-30T19:12:00.000+07:00

The way things have fallen,
can't be afraid anymore.
First we were water
in creation lake;
Have to start to end
To go where life lives

There's 24 parts in a day that divides me from you.

The way things have fallen,
can't be afraid anymore.
First we were water,
came from clouds hit the ground;
Mama's the sweetest
alarm clock around.

There's 24 parts in a day that divides me from you.

Placebo

2008-01-29T16:41:00.000+07:00

If only love can be deprived
of serotonin.
Hell, it won't be anymore.

Chalk drew attraction boundaries,
a law nonetheless.
Yet lines refrain not pain.

Wished, wished you away.
Words only go so far.

Father.

2008-01-27T13:12:00.001+07:00

(god),
your degradation limps
with member, until
logicality slipped through
the back door.

(god)
made a list of things to
call the blame on, and
ward off a bruised ego. Pray
it distracts
(from self-insignificance;
know your disposition well.)

(father)hood,
makes one imbecile,
but yours was a package deal
along with birth.
How cheap.

Mr Snuffleupugus.

2008-01-26T08:33:00.000+07:00

I get goosebumps from listening to Avey make sounds which resembles a cat mating while reading about Mr Snuffleupugus. Now I know the reason why I'm so very much in love with Sesame Street.

Mr Snuffleupugus is God.

And God is dead.

Lovely.

2008-01-24T17:51:00.000+07:00

This is infuriating. I had a moment of brilliance which exceeded my long drive of mediocrity and it swallowed its own effigy along with the music.

Live in citric
ink;
save your crumbles for yourself.

Consolation For Not Having Enough Money (The Consolations Of Philosophy)

2008-01-22T20:54:00.000+07:00

Is a good book.

Although while reading through, I came across a few points which I disagree on. In the second part of the book, the author refers to Epicurus' theories. The first point in "Happiness, an Epicurean acquisition list" is Friendship. It states that, quoting from the book, "We don't exist unless there is someone who can see us existing, what we say has no meaning until someone can understand, while to be surrounded by friends is constantly to have our identity confirmed; their knowledge and care for us have the power to pull us from our numbness."

I shall say that this statement is extremely disagreeable personally. First of all, as Epicurus implicated, one's existence can be confirmed by being sighted. That is self-explanatory.

We live in a society where there happens to be necessary links between everything, regardless of continents, countries, states, cities, neighbourhoods and this can be minimized down to individuals. Hence, living in a co-dependent society, one's existence can be confirmed just by grocery shopping, walking along the streets.

If one is a hermit and desires to live alone, his/her existence can be confirmed by the very act of usage of the five senses. For in survival, to eat is necessary. Hence, the sense of taste reassures us of our very existence.

Secondly, in the same point of Friendship, I quote "True friends do not evaluate us according to worldly criteria, it is the core self they are interested in; like ideal parents, their love for us remains unaffected by our appearance or position in the social hierarchy". This statement would later on be proved to be false. Take Elephant Man for an example, he had not shown any sign of hostility yet look at what he turned out to be. Strangers judge by appearance, and a pleasant or favoured appearance which appeal to them would bring them to take the initiative to make friends in the first place. Hence, this proves the above statement to be wrong.

Furthermore, in reference to Nietzsche, he mentioned that all human actions are selfish and based on self-preservation. Take Mother and child for example, a Mother takes care of her child unconditionally as it is what society expects of her; parental guidance is deemed as her responsibility. By neglecting this responsibility, she would be degrading her own reputation and status in the society as expectations are meant to be met. Her "love" is to deserve respect from the general public and not to be blamed for neglecting her responsibilities. The same case goes for friends. There is no such term as "true friends" due to the fact that each act upon instincts based on what would advantage oneself. For example, Z saves Y from being shot by standing in front of Y and taking the shot for Y instead. That itself might seem to be a courageous and selfless action. However, on the second think, Z would have done it because s/he felt obliged to do so as that is what defines friendship. This itself is also an expectation and hence carried as a responsibility.

Moving on, the second point, Freedom. I took a glance through this suggestion as the term "freedom" itself is vague and undefinable. Absolute freedom is impossible in Earthly context if you consider Newton's laws and nature's cycles such such. These are all restrictions which bind us within a limit which we are unable to exceed. This itself opposes the idea of freedom. Hence, it is beyond possibility for us to acquire freedom. Only speculations of complete freedom can be made but nothing concrete would be able to justify these assumptions. Just by these 2 examples, it is clear that freedom is invalid.

Last but not least is Thought. With this, I agree with Epicurus to a large extent. For cognition is the key to joy. With knowledge about oneself and one's environment, an individual gains insight and understanding which in turn enlightens him/her. Thoughts and opinions are also another way to confirm one's existence.

So much for tonight. I wish we could do Well Thought Out Twinkles by Silversun Pickups instead of We Are Scientists for Auscham Australia Day.

Excuse me.

2008-01-22T18:16:00.000+07:00

Say
member is applicable
as sorrow's analgesic;
and publicity wrapping
freedom's hand.

Nights
where silence reverberates;
drawing pillows out from ash
pavements beside another
stranger's saline.

Father, make him a trap.

Company (Flash Verse)

2008-01-20T10:58:00.000+07:00

Beauty and faces,
send them into moon.
Loneliness needs not a name.

And we know it isn't true.

2008-01-20T10:44:00.001+07:00

Psychology 100%
Linguistics 100%
Journalism 100%
Philosophy 100%
Anthropology 92%
English 92%
Sociology 83%
Art 83%
Theater 75%

Sunflower by Low.

2008-01-20T09:33:00.000+07:00

When they found your body
Giant X's on your eyes
With your half of the ransom
You bought some sweet, sweet, sweet
Sweet sunflowers
And gave them to the night
Underneath the star of David
A hundred years behind behind my eyes
And with my half of the ransom
I bought some sweet, sweet, sweet
Sweet sunflowers
And gave them to the night

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet sunflowers
And gave them to the night

2008-01-19T23:15:00.000+07:00

Today has been pathetic.

I swear it has. I feel like an amateur stalker with nothing else better to do. And unfortunately, that is the sad truth.

I hereby crown examinations as my saviour. From explicit boredom which results in nonsensical actions completed in an instable state of mentality.

Another round of hands disposed. It never fails to amaze me how age seems to count an individual, as subconsciously as it may be. I'd carve a comet and wish it to reverse time. For self-inflicted loneliness only grows with age.

Old times were rowdy and leashed to air but I still miss them nonetheless. Or do I?

I don't see why birth has to be such an antagonizing experience when it is considered Holy. I'd rather be a sin if that's the case.

The Chronicles Of A Bohemian Teenager (Part 2) by Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.

2008-01-16T17:16:00.000+07:00

I think I've been here before, only now not at the cellar, I am lying on the sun-room's floor, and contemplating why that if I'm so damn tired and out of pocket, do I turn every conversation and every contemplation I make, into a self pity trip.

I said that I would ride a wagon right out of this town, and right out of this slide, to find the confidence and hope, that I lost back in 2005, but did I? Would there be a second chapter, if they didn't leave the death star alive?

If a song for was, my justification for the introspective writings I make, then this is the most anyone will ever hear about my personal life, then why? As the apology I owe you is as public as the stars in the sky, "if I, if I..."

I want to be something else of worth, you see?

Thank me, Hairulana, Hairulani, Hairuluna. (: Your name sounds so gay.

7 Greets Sleep.

2008-01-15T18:46:00.000+07:00

Light.

You seem to retreat earlier each day, into bars with them nipples and cunts wiping fingerprints into your aging tress. Bone marrow shoots and dandruff. Decapitated by vodka. Acidic cells sizzle and pop; celebration is well-deserved for drilling through another round of clock.

Perishing never felt so good as a Father's footsteps reverberating in your capillaries. Like the smell of new shoes. Grant yourself more intelligence. Wrap your clumsy limbs around the slugs upstairs, pulsing in that cardboard box. Perhaps they grow with ethanol, contract and expand. A womb cramp. Yes, expand, pretty, expand. The definition of brain capacity only contains so much. Cold glass pressed against blue lips is your shrink to a tiny head, and an even tinier member. Let more slide down. more. More. MORE. It wants attention; it wants audience. Comply.

Serotonin built you, don't disappoint.

Let empty bottles conquer you. May haemolysis be your lullaby.

Goodnight.

Inspiration named itself my arch enemy. I have no choice. I miss words.

Fireworks by Animal Collective

2008-01-14T19:37:00.000+07:00

Now it's day, I've been trying to get that taste off my tongue
I was dreaming of just you; now our cereal, it is warm
Attractive day in the rubble of the night from before
Now I can't walk in a vacuum; I feel ugly, feel my pores
It's the trees of this day that I do battle with for the light
Then I start to feel tragic; people greet me, I'm polite
"What's the day?" "What are you doing?" "How's your mood?" "How's that song?"
Man it passes right by me, it's behind me, now it's gone

And I can't lift you up cause my mind is tired
It's family beaches that I desire
A sacred night, where we'll watch the fireworks
The frightened babies poo
They've got two flashing eyes and they're colored why
They make me feel that I'm only all I see sometimes

I've been eating with a good friend who said "A Genii made me out of Earth's skin"
But in spite of her, she's my birth kin, she spits me out in her surly blood rivers
All the people life lurking in dominions of a hot Turk dish, if the elephants
Are reaching for our purses then meet me after the world with the shivers

Nothing Brings Me Down by Emiliana Torrini

2008-01-12T12:34:00.000+07:00

Guten Tag

2008-01-12T09:24:00.001+07:00

The Top 5 Reasons Ron Paul is the Emo Presidential Candidate

Social Darwinism is what Ron Paul's economic views are, he wants to eliminate the energy department and supports drilling into the wildlife refuge. Accused the FDA and strives to completely abolish health care, and is xenophobic.

I bet he'd make the best president ever.

2008 Elections Week 7.

2008-01-11T18:57:00.000+07:00

Go Mike Gravel! Barack Obama is quite impressive being the only African-American and so tender of age.

Mike Huckabee is such a joke, just because he eat picnics doesn't mean he's a conservative. All them Republicans support the Iraq War, what deluded men. Except for Ron Paul.

2008 Elections.
My ratings.

Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns

2008-01-06T20:51:00.000+07:00

Like every other chapter, you'd get a song! Cheer for my brilliance.

Hello little boys, little toys
We’re the dreams you're believing
Crawling up the walls
Running down your face
Razor sharp, razor clean
Feel the weapon's sensation
On your back...
With loaded guns

Now hold onto me pretty baby
If you want to fly
I’m gonna melt the fever sugar
Rolling back your eyes

We're gonna ride the race cars
We’re gonna dance on fire
We’re the girls Le Disko
Supersonic overdrive

So what's it gonna take?
Silver shadow believer....
Spock rocker with your dirty eyes
It’s a chance gonna move
Gonna fuck up your ego
Silly boy gonna make you cry

If what they say is true...
You’re a boy - and I'm a girl
I will never fall in love with you.

Intrigue me, love. I don't think you're capable.

2008-01-06T19:56:00.000+07:00

I feel intelligent. Crushed but intelligent. Perhaps not even crushed.

It took nature's path and complied the laws. No fresh shoots play hide and seek in aging twinkles.

It had been fun. Fun has to take its plastic sick leave once in a while and it always come back disguised beneath a new mask. That porcelain walls aren't empty enough to not awake and see. It has vision. Grey and blister behind the brilliant colours you paint. Play along. Little games feed on time. Until it dissolves, like salt in water. Make it a sea. A lifelong goal to salinate it so. To the state where nothing can sink or merge their pathetic elements anymore.

Some masks are prettier than the others. They're distinct. I need to find one more polished and elegant the next. Time. Wrinkles made in Vietnam makes my taste buds erode into dust. Deteriorate. Britain's womb bears beauty, brains and brawl. Singapore's bears cunts and dicks. They live on a diet of sperm and eggs. Limp. Your hairless dangling prick. Useless. My scissors would be honoured to complete this job.

You were more of a droll than the last. Even brothels contributes more delight.

Love, pride yourself in leaving prints upon my history. Despite your insignificance. You're just a Mere in the galaxy. Not even stars. Not even pity. Your standard doesn't allow for it.

Shame. Not on me, love. On you.

Shame. Worm-infested apples. Your apple only speaks of cement and air. Fragilely polluted. Fumes and smoke. Fumes and smoke. Think wrapping dis. Truths up with plastic foils would make you God? Pardon? Futile and frail attempts hinder not these pupils. They mock you. Not even qualified as a professional. Liar. It spells you.

Be grateful. Your disposition doesn't let you oppose.

Boys who live off wheels are all the same. Time for a change of toys.

This is annoying. I can never make my prose long. This piece looks promising though. I need more ideas and imageries. And J's advice. I'm finally writing prose once again! It feels good.

You know who you are. Yes, I'm referring to you.

2008-01-06T17:12:00.000+07:00

Spit me out; your buds
cannot taste.
Embrace porcelain;
it makes you.
I don't! Plastivore.
Get your feedings right.

Release me into paper
folds and tail into navy.

You Never Get Me Right By Frida Hyvonen

2008-01-05T13:09:00.000+07:00

Like when you told me that my love was just aesthetic
And I fell into the beauty of another
And it was in the summer
Confusion was a-bloom in every little corner
Oh don't you understand?
How lonely it gets?
And then you said to me that I was cold and stern
and said it like you meant I wasn't a woman
and then you intellectualized my emotion
and called me baby in a wrong way,
oh Such a lack of taste

I never wanna see your pretty face again
I don't think I'll be your lifelong friend
I don't wanna carry any of your pain
I'm never gonna talk to you and
I'll never explain 'cause
you never get me right
even if you'd try
you'd never understand
you never get me right
you never listen tight
you never get me right

Poetic Pair-up (with Jeremy)

2008-01-05T12:50:00.000+07:00

Italic odds go to Jeremy and bolded evens to me.

Morning of the fifth and trees
sunk ground and sky

and I did weep that day,
though it’s rather bothersome as to why.

Morning of the sixth,
clay and cement argued over smothering
soil. Devour
the saline and leave yours in return.
Be it not
from grey pupils nor fried ash glands,
love your crotch.

And the seventh
bottle of rum to parch

empty, Mum, as ye womb
yonder hindrance, doth remove

all days of silt and hell
–my dick squanders milk

whilst the mornings collapse still
and wonder why they’ve little but shells.

Care not the eighth,
remember not the ninth.
Clock makes day, and sperm
holds no authority to count time.

‘Twas dairy on window
lights to soak dust and sand.
Pinks feed and wear her elements
–cun cunt cunts cuntse cuntses. Inhale.

One one
two-three four-lovers boundless

though ovaries bind
though ovaries blind
though mammaries spurt

rather unfair alkaline,
the end of day’s Nigh-
thing, truly

specially, for you Ah-simply
is just some godless tithes.

Thread.
Take needle and
stitch. a cross

–No!
Uncross it with
scissors. Flame.

Circles have no
meeting ends.

Poetic Pair-up (with Robby)

2008-01-05T12:46:00.000+07:00

Italic odds go to Robby and bolded evens to me

Drip--drop--heart, stop.
Whispered words so soothing--
____soft melodies for bleeding ears;
a night visitor silhouette
on painted canvas of shepherd's purest,
________drowning in a tangle of sheets.

Teeth feed, clatter and rub (tick)
against. Too many sheep to count. (tock)

Mr. Moon, won't you sing
me a lullaby? Oh, please.
Climb down the treetops' height and sit
by my blankets, hold my hand and sing
me a lullaby.

Footsteps--beats
____approaching the door ajar;
Shadow, meld with the
corners of a circular room. O
_Star of Nightmares Galore.

Tried every song--creak!
a soft splash by the creek;
___are you still there?

Clutch.
Silk, don't let go. Paws
need you!
Nails digging hollows into palms.
This blanket tastes sweat.

Sweet fear trickles down
____my drenched neck; silken
voids in the gentle cloth, I can't!
________tear my digits away
An eternity spent in silence--

Hello.

Ceiling's painted, too many
layers of blue.
Celestial burns seemed to have disappeared.
Opaque.

Don't take my pupils and part
with my vision!
I rely on them so, naked without.
Rape!

Blur-kissed vision, slurred
calls to deafened ears--
____helpless, wide-eyed in terror;
I grind calcium blocks
to dust, into acid rivers.

Four walls, a cage.
______Cognition,
a night terror in lucidity.

Perked ears and strangled
grip
--I smother pillows and melt
in its bone marrows.

"Breathe."

Breeze races through bare
branches,
weighed down by cold vapour
--let loose upon neck.

It speaks.
"Breathe."

Cotton cemented;
I lift
my chin behind silhouette
--stitches into shape.

Do you talk?

2008-01-04T16:16:00.000+07:00

I just managed to figure out the guitar part for The Crawl by ear. Most of it, at least. Is going to record the guitar and vocal parts separately. Or I should ask somebody else to cover the voice since mine is horrible. And perhaps even add in a piano part. Covers are such pretty things.

The Crawl By Placebo

2008-01-04T14:38:00.000+07:00

It takes the pain away
But could not make you stay
it's way too broke to fix
no glue, no bag of tricks

Lay me down, the lie will unfurl
lay me down to crawl.

Your smile would make me sneeze
when we were Siamese
Amazing grace in here
I'd pay to have you near.

Lay me down, the lie will unfurl
lay me down to crawl.

Don't go and lose your face
at some stranger's place
and don't forget to breathe
and pay before you leave

Lay me down, the lie will unfurl
lay me down to crawl.
Lay me down, the lie will unfurl
lay me down to crawl.

As far as inspiration seems to go, none has leeched onto me yet. Tragic.

2008-01-02T18:21:00.000+07:00

Changed domain for writing. http://blueweeps.wordpress.com

This blog will still stand to record history.

Complaints

2008-01-01T21:24:00.000+07:00

Protest,
moments are but sorrows
built upon numbered
face;
hands add;
talk is demeaning.
Shush, love.
Let her speak.
Silence is loud.

The Absurd Consummate

2007-12-30T17:39:00.001+07:00

'Twas real,
fingerprints identity.
Touch. French butter. Runs
against the bristles on your index.
Rush against your pulsating
Veins.

Blue weeps.

Limbs fly.

Cloth wrung dry.

Mourning needn't be
An incomplete family.
--------------------------------------------------------
After version (flash verse) (Credits to Jeremy)

Blue weeps
mourning needn't be
an incomplete family
The ash man in the lot has nice eyes

Liberated!

2007-12-28T21:27:00.000+07:00

Title says it all. Guess it's time to follow my darling Maryann's footsteps and save my thoughts for myself and nobody else. It's about time I get bored with that asshole, he's not unlike the other brainless idiots after all. You bore me, love. Your brain capacity only seems to hold that little. Sad.

Note to self: Shall stick to people who are AT LEAST equivalents in intelligence and maturity the next time.

Unfortunately, joy pays the price of my inspiration being taken away. I shall go find other things to be depressed about. But as for now, celebration is needed!

Have to adore that British accent. I'm on the way there, hooray. Or so as I'd like to assume. Shall pester Daddy to let me go to Britain's boarding school soon. Just as he suggested. I'd make myself a living, or rather, a life out of scraps. Beauty in thoughts pasted onto paper. Germany wouldn't be that bad either. <3 ambitions.

Hatchet vs Genitals

2007-12-28T09:54:00.001+07:00

http://www.flurl.com/item/Hatchet_vs_Genitals_u_199612

Just something to brighten up my morning. Hope it does the same to yours too.

2007-12-25T00:36:00.000+07:00

[code]
"I touched the quiverdick of silverback-
squirrel, antithetic, riverbed sentiments (buried
(and introspectively adverbially ineffectily
so(and even then/she can't speak right—MALE! Wormpregnant(
births a wet cluster-leafskin of wine,
bloodless as emohtic silvermines or gold-
chips of thugteef, veins, wetless clustered"
[/code]

-J

I know I'm so great that I came in 2nd on the dedication list. With references to squirrels. It's supposed to be EARTHWORM, not just worm. And the correct spelling is emo, not emoh. I love you as much as you love me, J. What a merry Christmas.

Steve's New Sponsers

2007-12-23T22:08:00.000+07:00

I feel like skating again. Kind of. I bet the neighbours won't mind excessive noises at 11pm.

A Comet Appears By The Shins

2007-12-21T10:33:00.000+07:00

One hand on this wily comet,
Take a drink just to give me some weight,
Some uber-man I'd make,
I'm barely a vapor

They shone a chlorine light on,
A host of individual sins,
Let's carve my aging face off,
Fetch us a knife,
Start with my eyes,
Down so the lines,
Form a grimacing smile,

Close your eyes to corral a virtue,
Is this fooling anyone else?
Never worked so long and hard,
To cement a failure,

We can blow on our thumbs and posture,
But the lonely is such delicate things,
The wind from a wasp could blow them,
Into the sea,
With stones on their feet,
Lost to the light and the loving we need,

Still to come,
The worst part and you know it,
There is a numbness,
In your heart and it's growing,

With burnt sage and a forest of bygones,
I click my heels,
Get the devils in line,
A list of things I could lay the blame on,
Might give me a way out,

But with each turn,
It's this front and center,
Like a dart stuck square in your eye,
Every post you can hitch your faith on,
Is a pie in the sky,
Chock full of lies,
A tool we devise,
To make sinking stones fly,

And still to come,
The worst part and you know it,
There is a numbness,
In your heart and it's growing.

Goal: To Beat Jeremy

2007-12-20T09:58:00.000+07:00

I have no idea how much I've missed out on until now. This is the consequences of being brought up in Singapore where priorities lie in money and rigid academics, and then moved to Vietnam where priorities lie in buying a better motorbike.

Jeremy just highlighted how untaught and assuming I am, writing-wise (in an extremely crude manner, what else can be expected from a 15 year old teenager with raging hormones?)

So here are the amendments made by him. Another reminder to self of my dependence, ignorance and utter undeniable stupidity.

I built a barricade to contain my reservoir.
Shame on me to assume a cardboard would serve my needs
and seal off, like stitches
on split seams of pulsing flesh
-- their mouths wide agape.
Bound to shut one day
unlike this delicate dam.

I carved this block of stone into a face,
a mask, epitome of indifference.
A painting so awkwardly crass
it fools those who contributes swift glances.

A CIA agent might somehow decipher me.
------------------------------------------------------------
Neon lights
a flicker upon ivory. Lacerations
virginal streaks upon bare limb.

A thrust encounters still retaliation.
They deflowered my blank

canopy. Pulsations
throb, unfolding an earthquake
Caved umbrellas furrow at poor serenity

Unaware, their waves intrude
-- silence breezing across treetop;
Oh what sorrow he brings.

My vision. What falter,
disappointment and dimmed effigies

stroll an infant's scribbles.
Diminished, as privacy's
taunted by walking weapons

A thread tugged, a tilted chin, spheres misted with remorse;
Another night lit by Christmas joy.

Trust me, the feeling of being so completely defeated and marked down by some 15 year old male is not exactly what I would call comfort nor pride.

Unfortunately, I've got no will or drive to surpass his current level and skills so I shall continue to inhale life in decay. And in the meantime, pray that my skills would hone itself.

2007-12-10T00:49:00.000+07:00

I love midnight cycles.

Poop

2007-12-06T21:00:00.000+07:00

I made an attempt to cure my writer's block today. Writing about poop. Sorry Becky, I snatched 2 of your lines.

The toilet is my deliverance. In him I cast my cares and woes.

That exit reassured me of its handy functions again, as it readily persuades those fertilizing excretions out. But yet, it failed me in magnitude.

Dissolved salt now shower down on my bared and tensed limbs, those acidic hails.

I gathered even the tiniest of my forces and put on a personal display of might; with such resemblance to dictators, I award myself the title of modern day Julius Caesar in the privacy of this claustrophobic padded walls.

Xenophobia has complete control over each and every single one of my cells, it made up my mind for me, sending strict orders.

I obeyed. Clutched fists and gripped flesh, the sound of solid mass attacking water resides, the tidal wave washes me over with relief. Y

ou have done me well; you have done me proud. With task at hand completed, I shall bid farewell to you now, old friend. As you silently wish me back again.

Bittersweet Symphony By The Verve

2007-12-06T20:15:00.000+07:00

It's a bittersweet symphony, that's life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the veins meet

No change, I can't change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mould
But I'm here in my mould
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
Have you ever been down
Have you ever been down

Well I've never prayed
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I'll let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

We've got your sex and violence, melody and silence
We've got your sex and silence, melody and sirens

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

Bob The Builder

2007-12-02T16:49:00.000+07:00

Bob the builder woke up everyday to do his job, he'd sing stupid songs and amuse the kids all over the world. Every one who ever saw him was destined to grow up and find him stupid, childish, dumb. Bob the builder felt unappreciated so he said no no no. Bob the builder got a bomb, he said talking to trucks was no fun. He went over to BET and got some hoes. So little Bob, grown up too by the actions and reactions that build a life, decided to twist his fate. Like a kid he could no longer live happily and rejoice in everything he sees. Things were changing and forever he felt that he was left behind he always lived for something that seemed like a miserable cause, so bob the builder started his quest. Killing morning toons and lots of sex, detonated all the clay houses that starred so many dreams. And bob realized he couldn't fix it anymore, he turned his back on 'we' as time turned its back so many times on him before. Childhood was a temporal high meant to be forgotten and thrown away, kids all over the world were now meant to change the station, childhood was slowing human civilization each one of them thought, so they read wikipedia all day and never went out to play in the grass. Worms and caterpillars were gross, candy was fattening, and girls were sexy. Kids, kids, kids. Now they never have fun. Each one of those kids tuned in HBO.

Snatched it off a writing forum. Sounds like my clone.

Oh Mandy By The Spinto Band

2007-12-02T14:48:00.000+07:00

I got it all on the back of my hand
I want your answer so I won't forget
Then show me right where your heart is
Oh right now tell me where your heart is

And now I know I’m at the end of my wits
Don't gotta tell me where this is going
Coz I know nothing ever falls apart
Yeah I know nothing ever falls apart
Remind me once more where this is going
Before I fling it out into the ocean
It’s kind of level but its wavy
Its looking more blue than it is green
It’s looking quiet as I jump in
So I can finally hear you scream

1 Year Anniversary Is Arriving

2007-12-02T14:08:00.000+07:00

One more month of awaiting and I'd be off celebrating 1 year of attempts to retaliate infatuation with junk food, movies and tears. How attractive an offer does that sound? Maybe they should throw in a discount of more of the latter at the same price. Hooray.

I discovered that song I like so much on your blog. Add that on to a dozen of other similarities.

And you still fail to see this love triangle is stronger than a spider's web.

Without You I'm Nothing By Placebo

2007-11-27T19:14:00.000+07:00

Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide.
I'll take it by your side.
Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide.
I'll take it by your side.
Instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies.
I'll take it by your side.
Oversaturation curls the skin and tans the hide.
I'll take it by your side.

tick - tock [x3]
tick - tick - tick - tick - tick - tock

I'm unclean, a libertine
And every time you vent your spleen,
I seem to lose the power of speech,
Your slipping slowly from my reach.
You grow me like an evergreen,
You never see the lonely me at all

I...
Take the plan, spin it sideways.
I...
Fall.
Without you, I'm Nothing.
Without you, I'm nothing.
Without you, I'm nothing.
Take the plan, spin it sideways.
Without you, I'm nothing at all.

An infatuation never hurt so much before. It is eating me up. If only you know.

Confessions

2007-11-27T18:29:00.000+07:00

These overwhelming emotions were nothing near to what I expected, or rather what I yearned for. Like those dreary clouds dangling on that fragile thread above sanity, they now explode, as they flood those eye sockets of my own hollows, these self-victimized emptiness. Nobody told me that confessions came with the price of sunken eyes from a restless brain (deep into those nights). Oh, assumptions, how you little horned devils deceived me yet once again. A mere infatuation? Now second thinks plague the decayed leftovers of those worms, pulsing in the protective clay. Take a step forward, you mortal fool; entwined in those vines, it grips and it tears, this inferior fist inside me apart. "Impossible," he said. And he dominates me, that verbal condemption.

The Downward By Tiny Vipers

2007-11-25T16:37:00.000+07:00

White Flag

2007-11-25T15:34:00.000+07:00

You wallow in illusions, those which were brought to life and then destroyed at the exact same moment, those vague constructions of transiency (wrecked without the slightest ceremony of remorse). Dwelling among them who used to be; those parasitic entities, as they cleverly attaches and multiplies. They invite you as their audience, as they spread their clumsy limbs all across your already tainted surface.

Those shameless juvenile delinquents, they parade their crimes in false glory, and never once did repentance cross the forsaken routes they trample upon. For they robbed your eyes from their ability of clear vision, you fail to acknowledge the present - they who still possess a tiny flicker of flame, words that might have a future, though as dim as it might seem. If you allow them to.

Shall you feel what's remaining of this monstrous self? Shall you give birth to a new mortal conscience? No, they forbid, those hypnotizing Gods. Less you strip your mind of age. Till you find someone to resurrect those emotions which are the only rites for you to validate your own existence.

It has been nothing but explicit that I do not hold the capacity to be that saviour from yourself.

For I am just as dead as you.

Pink Bullets by The Shins

2007-11-24T00:53:00.000+07:00

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
You held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
Oh what a contrast you were
To the brutes in the halls
My timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
When our kite lines first crossed
We tied them into knots
And to finally fly apart
We had to cut them off.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
So you understand less as the pages turn
Or a movie so crass
And awkardly cast
That even I could be the star.

I don't look back as much as a rule
And all this way before murder was cool
But your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
Warm light on a winter day.

Over the ramparts you tossed
The scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
Tied to a brick
Sweet as a song
The years have been short but the days go slowly by
Two loose kites falling from the sky
Drawn to the ground and an end to flight.

Named as "My First Cheesy Teenage Girl Crush Poem"

2007-11-23T21:33:00.000+07:00

They say love is the pigeon who carries the envelope of joy,
And it sprinkles bliss upon the gravest nooks;
They say love is the flame which carries that sparkle of hope,
And it adds neon colours to the dimmest abyss;
They say love is the moments where time refused to exist,
And it ceases a heartbeat or two;
They say love is that essential key to unlock your heart,
And emotions that you never thought you'd feel.

If you'd question my sanity,
I'd reassure it's not love.

Conversation With The Space You Left Behind

2007-11-21T18:08:00.000+07:00

Those black holes melted and hands
Now run along the horizon it drew,
The flames screeched on tiles;
Cigarette marks of fluctuating doubt.

Streaked in guilt, the masked robber
Of colours stolen from the rainbow,
Bragging in vanity of his affairs
With penetrating neon stage lights.

Incest upon riverbed, laid gingerly
On silk - trampling in its own handicap;
Nibbles at the neck held victim
By glaring furniture marginalized.

The cement argues back, in the midst
Of a heated stove, it spouts fumes;
Complaints of splitting seams, oh how
It moans and pronounces its protest.

As I greet you,
My forgotten friend.

2007-11-20T18:56:00.000+07:00

You arcane creature, please me so. As your verbal willows caress my emotions into a frozen state of entheogen. Those forlorn limbs of indecency shower barbs upon this synthetic etched punctuation; it creeps. Upon a star, you refrain me, from the comfort of celestial incense, evaporating in self deception.

This is the consequence of writer's block - an incomplete piece of thrash.

Psychobabble by Frou Frou

2007-11-20T17:49:00.000+07:00

Credits to Din for sending me the song.

Once Upon A Boy

2007-11-14T18:47:00.000+07:00

Let us plant our roots and calculate the time - 8 months; the lines we've exchanged throughout - 50 or so. We have more in common than our minds allow for us to breed, to be honest, so much in common that it serves not as just a mere coincidence. Neither of us took the prior initiative that could have grown to mature. It's undeniable. Your walls are doubly as thick as mine. My hammers and flailing arms are incapable of pulling them down. Subconsciously, my nucleus wonders what would take to pass through your semi-permeable cell membrane. I hear it echoing between my caves of Nietzche; it respires. "Shall not fall to exhausting my agony upon him." My self-duplicating stalker vibes are those which injures me the most. Shame on me. Shame on my lust for a challenge but not being up to standard for it. Venus' little black book owns me; She takes pride in Her little devil, no? Nothing would ever be sufficient to feed my thirst, and quench my hunger, drained for I know not my limits. Greed is injected into my nature, it is not within my ability to suppress it. Weathered, it already merged to be a part and parcel of my entity. Nonetheless I tilt my chin towards emancipation (from him I run), for it was once upon a boy I heightened to persevere.

Memories

2007-11-13T19:00:00.000+07:00

Memories still strike me at moments of utmost inappropriateness. It took me full 10 years to get adapted to Singapore and hopefully it won't take such a long time span for me to bland into Vietnam. I was busy reminiscing during Business Studies today and reading Mariana's blog. I miss her so much. And no, this is not hinting towards my non-existent crooked sexuality orientation. I was on the brink of giving in to tears. I want to go back to Singapore so badly that it hurts. I just need a stupid school to enroll myself into, in case RGS does not accept me back because they seem extremely reluctant to do so.

Birth

2007-11-11T12:44:00.001+07:00

Carried into this world, in between the folds
Of Her bloated cells layered underneath skin
He floated upon currents, it flung him ashore
In exchange for his creator's tormenting fluid

Arrived he did, wrapped in liquefied memories
Of his Goddess's nine months of making
Sculpturing and moulding, Her ideal figurine
Came with the price of hammer and nails

His first cry escaped as he inhales mortality
Such a savage noise marks his birth
Moved Her beyond joy, eyes weeping
Salt pillars melted in blissful denial

She knows beneath Her perfect burial
Of acknowledgement is the milestone
For this exact moment paces back and forth
As the start of Her failure, Her loss

A child he is, no longer Hers once born
She burns herself senseless in many a
Regular doses of cigarettes and coffee
It sets Her aloof from excretions of the mind

Boris Pasternak

2007-11-08T18:56:00.000+07:00

February. Take ink and weep,
write February as you’re sobbing,
while black Spring burns deep
through the slush and throbbing.

Take a cab. For a clutch of copecks,
through bell-towers’ and wheel noise,
go where the rain-storm’s din breaks,
greater than crying or ink employs.

Where rooks in thousands falling,
like charred pears from the skies,
drop down into puddles, bringing
cold grief to the depths of eyes.

Below, the black shows through,
and the wind’s furrowed with cries:
the more freely, the more truly
then, sobbing verse is realised.

-Boris Pasternak

This is the most beautiful poem I have ever read before.

Flight

2007-11-07T21:30:00.000+07:00

She a Homo sapien
Dreamed to take flight
But she entered without wings
Mere limbs were all
That she possessed
Regarded as abhorrent weight
It stapled her down
Way beneath her hopes
Suffocation those appendage bring
She denied herself
Shut out her own disposition
And refused to surrender to fate

She knew not her limits
Acknowledged not the borders
Of chimera and laws of science
Such immense trust she had
Believed too much in herself
And way over judged her capability
Left in the back of her mind
Forgotten her mortality lies
And so as her insanity blinds
Acceptance of herself
As body and blood
Was completely beyond her capacity

She was led
By negated ambitions
To soar amongst cotton candy
Hence she sculpted
Wax wings of abnegation
Melted and attached onto skin
She trod among stars
Into the vacuum
Towards Venus and Mercury
Such joy upon her
It carved into her eyes
Celestial incense of serene

Time compressed
In fractions of blinks, surreal
Objects that sprinted past seem
Hovering before
The Solar System King
Ornamented in leaves of fall
Hypnotized by flames
Raving across nothingness
On a fresh dose of ecstasy
Fear was overpowered
She sped into waltzing arms
As the fiery leaping whips call

She sank into the waters
Of the timeless void
When those wax wings liquefied
Dripped tears without saline
Drops of white mass
It tore at her blank tarpaulin
Wax memories swirled
Wrapped her in its blanket
The typhoon consumed her might
It stripped her down
Bared her to the core
From the illusions for which she sinned

She remains relentless
Yet again she attempted
To rise above her earthly genes
Her will remained
As strong as diamond
In the aid of a helium tank
Her hands sought for
The linking tube
Down the depths of her larynx
Pumped too hard
Bloated her cells
Too much helium she did grant

She expanded
And inflated like a balloon
Her jument exploded into pieces
Flesh were scattered
Upon the soaked soil
A reminder of impossibility
Lived not she
To learn her lesson
Earth does not prevail for freedom to be
Blindly groped
For what belonged to another
May the creature for ignorance weep

2007-11-07T18:25:00.000+07:00

Didn't go to school today, figured that since today is Swimming Gala, I might as well skip it because there would be no substantial activities that I can gain anything from.

I have been having writer's block recently. And my brains just refuse to come up with even one single phrase that is up to standard. Most of the phrases that appear in my mind occasionally when it is not blank are along the lines of "I'm going to kill you bitch" or "I'm so lonely, nobody understands me" or "I want another bowl of salad" or "I want to nuke the world and then commit suicide" or "...". The brilliance of my mind.

My Mother said that I am abnormal today. How comforting it is to the ears, to hear that from your own Mother. Well, she should blame it on my upbringing and the fact that I was born on the wrong planet in the chassis.

I should know better than indulge myself in endless self pity, because that is exactly when I start gorging myself bloated with mountains of junk food. I possess absolutely no control over my mentality.

I still miss Singapore as much as ever.

Religion Intolerance

2007-11-05T17:06:00.000+07:00

In reply to Lee Kum Fun's multiple messages on my tag board, I would like to reply to them one by one.

Lee kum fun: God made man perfect in all ways

Yingyue: God did not make man perfect in all ways. For if YOU yourself had actually read the Bible, it states that God is the only perfect being in this whole universe. Hence, it is clearly stated that God did not make man perfect at all. And also, if you consider this, if God had made man perfect, Adam and Eve would not have been tempted to eat the apple and to sin if they are made perfect in the first place. So as I can conclude, what you have said "God made man perfect in all ways" is nowhere near correct.

Lee kum fun: Its man who is stupid and proud to rebel against God. He is forgiving enough to give man another chance to repent. But man is so stupid and stubborn to acknowledge him. Please go and read the Bible.

Yingyue: And now you go on contradicting yourself. You firstly said that God made man perfect in all ways, if he did, then why are man stupid and proud then? Which God would have made his inferiors to rebel against him? How would he be forgiving if he is the one who landed man in this situation in the first place? The concept is the same as setting a mouse trap and then helping the mouse recover after it has been caught in the trap and injured. Then again, you say that man is stupid and stubborn. However have you ever considered the fact that it was God who created man that way? I am doing my homework, are you? Because I think I know the Bible better than you do. And if you have knowledge on the history of the Bible, you should know that it has been changed and edited to fit descriptions of the rulers in power in those periods of times. I say you should read up on the history of the King James Bible before arguing without any proof with me.

Lee kum fun: Don't blame God!! :| Use your brain!!

Yingyue: Now this is where you are wrong. I am not blaming God. I'm just saying that there is no God. I can confidently say that I did put my brains to good use, but I don't think you did. Maybe you should consider backing down before I humiliate you too much. Just a word of friendly advice. Your choice to take it or leave it.

Lee kum fun: Why you believe in man's talk.

Yingyue: Why do I believe in man's talk? Well, you are man aren't you? So why should I believe in you then? Again, you're once more contradicting your own previous words. How ironic.

Lee kum fun: You are lucky enough to be alive and well. Stop cursing your creator.

I never said I do not count myself lucky. And I did not curse "my creator". In fact, I love my Mother very much for your information. I would never curse her. And also, I can at least back up my arguments with logical reasoning and proof unlike some people who just base their theories upon their mere imagination and foolishness.

Well there, Lee Kum Fun, I think you'd be satisfied with this answer since I figured what you are looking for is a debate. Well, you've got it. Do reply if you've still got the face too. Looking forward to it.

Friday

2007-11-04T08:35:00.000+07:00

It has been a while since I blogged I must admit. Yes, a few days to me is quite a long span of time.

Had to go to the school magazine meeting after school, discussed about the articles we are assigned and interviewing people. Hopefully Jane Goodall will have sufficient time for us to give a short interview on Thursday. It will be such an honour. Also, I need to give Mr Roo an interview regarding the specific details of the Environmental Programme that he once mentioned.

After that, went to Christi's house with Cindy to get ready for Halloween party. They've got most the pictures but I'll make do with what I have for now.

Dear Brother

2007-10-31T17:28:00.001+07:00

My dearest Brother

You would soon learn to grow
From all the criticism hurled at you
And all the times people put you down
Regarded you as a fool

You would soon learn to retaliate
And stand up tall for yourself
With interest you'd return to them what's rightfully theirs
And throw back those mocking yells

You have a long road ahead of you
Roadblocks of unknown and doubts
But on and on you still must go
Aided with cells of distrust

For reality does not stop to ponder
About what impact it has on you
It is not a creature with emotions
Or an ounce of guilt in the absence of its soul

And hence go to battle you must
Against the world with sword and shield
You must get rid of your heart
Not a pinch of remorse must you feel

You have to march on to war
With no fear of death
And look back upon it as one well-fought
Without any regrets

Trust me you should for I once was you
I slaved for only myself
The whole world would turn out to be foe
Once you see them beneath the shell

Family Politics.

2007-10-31T16:39:00.000+07:00

You told me a tale of politics
Regarding businesses and such
And international relations
How display of power takes guts

You told me how you played it
A better title for him you buy
When you're demoting him in reality
You told me with such pride

You sure do play it well
You played it as your life
This family you treated as
A pathetic game to parade your might

You played us like you did at work
Awarding us with titles sought
An empty noun that's void of meaning
A status label that means naught

But we are mere inferiors under you
Puppets under your control
A single movement of your finger
Will make us stumble and fall

You sure do play it well
You played it as your life
This family you treated as
A pathetic game to parade your might

Watefall

2007-10-28T08:58:00.000+07:00

I enjoyed myself yesterday. Went to some waterfall park with my family. It feels good finally being away from the hustle and bustle of the city and getting lost in the greens. The view there was amazing. Embrace nature!

I can't keep track of my thoughts lately. It keeps leading onto another idea and the previous one just breaks off. I've got absolutely no inspiration for any sort of writing these few days. I'm letting myself down.

I checked out a few publishing sites and their minimum age requirement is either 15 or 16 or 18. Just because you are younger than that, it doesn't mean you won't have an outlook to the world that is of depth. It is quite chauvinistic and naive to judge people's thoughts by their ages. Oh well, I'm going to be 15 soon, nothing much to fuss about.

I miss Mariana. There is somebody with her EBuddy application so I haven't talked to her in quite a while. Miss her a lot. No, this is not a sign of homosexuality.

Singing does me lots of good. I shall sing even more than I am already. Brace yourself to go deaf.

God

2007-10-27T08:43:00.000+07:00

If there was a God, he would be evil.
For he created beings lesser than him, he created them with flaws.
For he created two different species of inequality, representing his biasness.
For he created an apple tree as a trap, upon it the apple poisonous.
For the apple should be served as food and he turned it into a sin.
For he teased his creations into biting it and scarring them did he take pleasure in.
For he sent Jesus down to be killed for his own amusement.
For he made us his involuntary participants.
For he indulges himself in his own game in which he would surely triumph.
For he carved us with hatred and daunts us to be otherwise.
For he is the biggest sin, all in all.
If there was a God, he would be evil.

Lies

2007-10-26T21:03:00.000+07:00

Lies are basic survival skills.

They wrap you around in layers of coils like how parents would protect their children; like a pupa in a cocoon; like armor on a soldier marching out to war. It shields the fragility of our mortal conscience from the continuous assaults from reality. But yet it shatters into insignificance so easily; a touch so genteel could pop the bubble, unleashing contagious viruses invading with swords and arrows into your integrity. Resembles it does the layer of skin, so essential yet vulnerable; for it bruises and pricks from the mildest attacks, leaving permanent marks, scarred it is upon your consciousness that remains with you diuturnally.

Your life span is reserved for the lies that you feed to it; like how you would feed an incapable and helpless infant cradled in your arms. It is beyond your comfort zone to admit that without a regular indulgence in what is false yet so irresistibly delicious, you would not survive until today. And hence, self-deception plagues you and spoils you rotten by allowing the face in which it masks itself with perceive on your behalf. All in all, it is your dose of Heroin that you can't live without. Despite how society patronizes you about the foundation of immorality that builds up lies; nonetheless you love it all the more. Your shameful mortality depends wholly on it, feasting upon it; it quenches your thirst and satisfies your undying hunger.

The holy disposition it occupies; safeness and security it blesses you with. Perfect as it is; giving and never asking for anything in return. You understand now that it is your only true friend, it is your self reflection, someone you can completely rely on for it never betrays. Lies, they sacrifice for you and you alone, you - the master and the accomplice. It attaches itself onto your source of life like a parasite; a wonderful species of parasite, for it brings pure joy and bliss beyond measure to you.

It releases you from the chains of logic and sanity that weighs you down and it gives you freedom like no other does. It is your home.

On a much lighter note, I participated more pro-actively in social life today. I congratulated myself on the improvement by throwing away 40 bucks on bag, clothes and accessories. Christi paid for my Gloria Jeans Cookies 'N Cream,rich kid.

Apres Moi

2007-10-26T19:54:00.000+07:00

I simply adore Regina Spektor. Her voice seems like the howl of the wolves in the midst of the night. A haunting voice, leaving an everlasting aftertaste in the head. She's AMAZING.

I must go on standing
You can't break that which isn't yours
I, oh, must go on standing
I'm not my own, it's not my choice

Be afraid of the lame
They'll inherit your legs
Be afraid of the old
They'll inherit your souls
Be afraid of the cold
They'll inherit your blood
Apres moi, le deluge
After me comes the flood

I must go on standing
You can't break that which isn't isn't yours yours
I, oh, must go on standing
I'm not my own, it's not my choice

Be afraid of the lame
They'll inherit your legs
Be afraid of the old
They'll inherit your souls
Be afraid of the cold
They'll inherit your blood
Apres moi, le deluge
After me comes the flood

Be afraid of the lame
They'll inherit your legs
Be afraid of the old
They'll inherit your souls
Be afraid of the cold
They'll inherit your blood
Apres moi, le deluge
After me the flood

Fevrale dostat chernil i plakat,
Pisat O Fevrale navsnryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu charnoyu gorit.

Fevrale dostat chernil i plakat,
Pisat O Fevrale navsnryd,
Poka grohochushaya slyakot
Vesnoyu charnoyu gorit.

Be afraid of the lame
They'll inherit your legs
Be afraid of the old
They'll inherit your souls
Be afraid of the cold
They'll inherit your blood
Apres moi, le deluge
After me the flood

I must go on standing
You can't break that which isn't yours
I, oh, must go on standing
I'm not my own, it's not my choice

Hindrance

2007-10-24T18:43:00.001+07:00

I just finished writing another poem. It is a lot more straightforward and blunt than the rest.

(Hindrance I dared-
Of it I scorned.)

Never did I take heed
Of grace and conscience
Shunned the inner voice
Preaching in earnest
Failed me it did
My own ignorance
Dug an aperture
Out of my atrium

(Hindrance I dared-
Of it I scorned.)

I welcomed so
In an open embrace
The brilliant light
Like a laser ray
It penetrated through
Flesh became decay
Hypocritical mess
An ego trip

(Hindrance I dared-
Of it I scorned.)

Unanticipated it came
After building up its bricks
It collapsed in one single blow
At full-fledged ferocity
Struck me with vengeance
Awarded a dent in me
A pang within my mind
Of naiveness I am released

(Hindrance I dared-
Of it I scorned.)

(I hang my head now
In self-loathe and shame
Upon the wires
Grown from the ceiling.)

Another one.

2007-10-23T21:05:00.000+07:00

He crawled a long way, on all fours.
Along the narrow winding road.
Blank his mind was, and numbed his nerves,
For all the lachrymal lies he swallowed.

Mask of skin, once supple and fair,
Now attenuated by the ticks of the clock.
It recalls stories of martyrdom,
And of the acid that drenched it drear,
Tore and raped through the tenderness,
And incensed it right down to the core.

"For freedom and liberty!" His tongue used to lash,
Prior to when the mirror’s existence ceased.
It used to stand before him in false grandeur,
And celebrate itself in the game of hide and seek -
The reflection he saw was free of pretense,
Before it degraded into relics.

What lies hidden was then exposed,
Raw and bared, grotesque as it was.
His vision betrayed him, explicit treason -
Pried the curtains apart; pinned the windows ajar.
The world beneath himself, pernicious.
The impact shook him off his stand.

Society disposed him in the churning machine,
With its teeth it welcomes him, tearing him into shreds
Disassembled his body into pieces and then
Sin melted his jument in flames and heat,
Moulded him into another mannequin.
An object of inert indifference.

Disintegrity fogged his sight.
A blind child of fabrication and mendacity,
He is now another one of us -
Remains that perceives in black and white.

-Copyright 2007 Ying

Alone.

2007-10-22T17:01:00.000+07:00

The past week without much human communication did me good.

But now that I've returned back to school, I find it difficult to maintain the amount of thoughts I had. It seems as if every time I hold a conversation with another individual, my mind would think of one thing while my tongue will lash out the simplified version of it.

I do wish that more holidays would come soon for time spent alone is time spent worthy.

I miss my own company.

2007-10-20T19:55:00.000+07:00

I feel as if I'm losing grip already. She's inching away and drifting further and further apart everyday. It's been 11 years since I last had a best friend. I don't want to lose this one. Maybe I'm just over-reacting. But every secret kept from each other will build up until it collapse and turn into ashes. I hope that would never happen. You know who you are if you read this.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I finished Jane Eyre and the ending was so moving I couldn't help but burst out in tears. Joyous tears. I wish all endings are as such.

Jane Eyre

2007-10-19T10:14:00.000+07:00

I've been reading through Jane Eyre for the past couple of days, 2 to be specific. And I was just blabbering about it to Yusri.

Antithesis. Let it devour. says:
Anyway, before the day Mr Rochestor and Jane Eyre were going to wed, Mr Rochester had to settle some business about 30 miles far off, leaving Jane alone and during that span of time, Jane had a series of nightmares which one of them turned out to be a hideous reality.
Shaggy Shag says:
then?
Antithesis. Let it devour. says:
And the next day, during the wedding, they were forced to halt halfway and a number of people protested and claimed that Mr Rochester already has a wife currently who is still alive.
Shaggy Shag says:
what?
Antithesis. Let it devour. says:
Upon realizing that Mrs Rochester was still alive, and from the sighting claims from Mr Mason, Mr Rochester ushered people to his house to see his 'wife' who was in all forms, a wild beast.
Antithesis. Let it devour. says:
Which was part of Jane Eyre's nightmare the previous night.
Antithesis. Let it devour. says:
Being utterly disappointed and feeling deceived, Jane Eyre decided to leave Mr Rochestor and never return for both of their sakes.
Shaggy Shag says:
wah
Antithesis. Let it devour. says:
Hence, with her mere 20 shillings left, she paid for a carriage ride that could take her as far as possible and settled in an unknown small village in the midst of nowhere.
Shaggy Shag says:
aww
Antithesis. Let it devour. says:
And there, being famished, she had to demote her own position and beg for food as such.
Antithesis. Let it devour. says:
Okay I haven't read the rest.

Although I'm in no position to empathize with Jane Eyre, I can still pity her right? Even though I'm certain that she would be appalled by the very idea of it.

But the tremendous and undeniable love she felt kind of makes up for the pain she had to go through afterwards. In my opinion.

Back to the book. Ciao.

Singapore! Here I come!

2007-10-17T10:24:00.000+07:00

As torpid as rotting myself in front of the computer and television for days, good news do come.

Mariana's parents agreed to be my legal guardians according to her. Maybe because the situation has not penetrated them yet. And hopefully Mariana did not let loose on my previous status back in Singapore.

A family conversation (excluding my younger brother) was carried out last night, it was one of the rare conversations that does not end up with chidings hurled at me at the speed and ferocity of a leopard.

I do want to improve myself in terms of knowledge and sociability in earnest. Well, I believe I already made drastic changes as compared to my situation back when I was in Singapore. But it is not as easy to endeavour to race towards perfection as it seems. Maybe I'm in no disposition to comment on that for I am just a Homosapien. And there is no point for all you fiends to find something to cavil at everything I say.

So now that circumstances no longer forbid me to return to Singapore, I shall and yes, I will. Now I need is a good current school report to attest my validity of returning to RGS.

I shall go back and torment myself by reading Jane Eyre.

I Will Kill You

2007-10-16T17:17:00.000+07:00

I have every single reason in this world to detest the male species right now. And I swear I would have my revenge one day in near future. And I'll have sufficient evidential proof to bring you behind bars if not onto the chair. I swear I will. Creatures with no guts to admit and sincerely apologize for their mistakes and injecting immense fear into equals they view as lesser beings in order to carry the faults for them.

Anyway back to an emotionally stable state. Went to Lisa's house after skating on Friday. I was wondering why the hell my new deck keep going the wrong way when Stefan and Eathen with their see through firey eyes noted me that the trucks were placed the wrong way. Shame on the maid. Then I had to spend quite a long and tedious time screwing the bolts off and back on again the right way. Slept over at Lisa's house and indulged myself in a huge mountain of junk food. Almost won Lisa at Playstation. Then went skating at BP Compound the next afternoon. Got in thanks to Lachlan. Getting shuvits and popshuvits more constantly. Hooray.

Recording a couple of videos of me playing bullshit on guitar. It sucks pretty much. Will post it on here later.

I want to go back to Singapore.

2007-10-13T23:17:00.000+07:00

I recall explicitly on why I hate movies so much now. Because they always have happy endings one way or another and nothing in the real world happens like that. How contradicting. In a way, enjoying yourself in a movie is equivalent to indulging yourself in self-deception.

And a conversation between the chauffeur and my Dad just now reminded me on the instinctive evil ever present in the male species. I shall become homosexual.

Emails sent between me and Dad

2007-10-13T23:16:00.000+07:00

Dear Dad,

I want to first of all state that it is not that I have not considered your feelings, but it is a fact that I am quite unable to do so. Yes, I find difficulty and maybe even impossibility in putting myself in your shoes and considering matters from your perspective. But the question now is, have you ever put my feelings into consideration? You are always going on and on about how I never respect your opinions but you consistently failed to think of it vice versa too.

As any growing teenager, I would desire and appreciate my own choice and freedom. And similar to anybody at my stage of growth, I would find it only acceptable to stay over at a friend's and go out with them without any hint of doubt/suspicion and without any parent bombarding me with questions regarding the details and activities that we are going to carry out. It might act as quite a big blow on the children without any trust, which represents no mutual respect from their parents, even though their parents might not think so.

I do accept the accusation of me breaking my word. However, I would like you to reflect on your own thinking towards sleepovers in comparison to other parents' point of views. It is all similar. Most parents would rather a sleepover at their house instead of the other individual's house. It is what all parents desire and hence, satisfying every single parent's demand is out of the question in cases of sleepovers. Wouldn't it be accomodating to sacrifice a little worry on your part to save another parent from it once in a while? And I would like you to call to mind our location of residence compared to the location where most of my schoolmates are situated, near to the school. It would be inconsiderate to expect the majority to travel a larger distance just to accomodate to a minority. I would like you to keep that in mind.

I have thought about my gains in sleeping over at Lisa's house. First of all, because I am new to this school, and not particularly sociable in any case, actually far from it to be truthful, I would want to seize every available opportunity to make new friends and familiarize myself to this place. I do desperately seek for acceptance I must admit due to the fact that I find it a lot more difficult to get along with other people than most of the population. And it is important to me that I do find a reliable friend here after I left Mariana in Singapore who was the closest that came to be my best friend. I do apologize for the worries and sleepless night it might have caused you and Mommy. I do apologize sincerely. But wouldn't it be better if you give me more trust, it would be mutual comfort and understanding. I mean, you did hear her voice so you knew for sure that she was a girl and that basically clears most causes for worries.

In response to your questions, just to let you know. Firstly, parents are important to me to various extents on differing circumstances and occasions. But it is impossible to not admit that I am nothing without parents for they provide me with the essential needs for basic survival. And in this case, a lot more than that. And yes, I do care about you and Mommy's feelings. There's numerous times where I have such a strong and burning desire to let wrath and vengeance take over me after I moved to Vietnam, as it did occur in Singapore too. But I did take a certain amount of effort to refrain myself from occasional, if not often outbursts to try and avoid more complications and misunderstandings in this already quite dysfunctional family. Even if neither you nor Mommy noticed or acknowledged it, I want to hereby state that I did in fact, put in a considerable amount of effort in trying to improve myself for the better of the people around me, specifically you and Mommy in this particular case. I did make multiple attempts to solve conflicts between us in a less violent and emotionally unstable state of our minds indeed. I know you both do care for me to a certain extent and although I cannot empathize with you and Mommy due to my lack or rather absence of parental experience, I do comprehend your joys and worries for your own children.

I know that you and Mommy had went through my age before but it was a different generation, a lot of things have evolved in the past few decades and it would not be a fair comparison to make. I do agree with you completely on being responsible for one's own actions and I am currently working my way towards that. Give me time.

Replying to your last paragraph, do you mean 'high price' as in in economic terms or parental responsibility terms? I would like to further clarify on that. Because if one parent really loves his/her child, money would not be a source of doubt for him/her.

Yingyue

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ying Ying,

It's now close to midnight. I know you have decided to sleep over somewhere, according to what you claimed, without considering the feelings from your parents (if you still think they are), and regardless of my advice and request.

I just want to share with you what I think of from this.

First of all, how the decision was made and what you had considered when making this decision. You had promised that you would come home around 7.30pm. Then, after 9:00pm, you informed me, rather consulted with me, that you would sleep over. Whether this decision is right can be easily found out - if one of your friends would visit you and do the same the thing to her parents, and how her parents would response. You can also check up this in another way -- just tell your decision and how I replied to your friend's parents, and see how they will advice you.

Secondly, when you made this decision, had you ever considered what you could gain? how your parents would feel? Maybe you might not had spent a single thought on how your parents would feel, and would worry, because that might not be important to you at all compared with what you can gain. Otherwise, the decision would be completely different.

Why I asked you to invite your friends to come over and sleep over in our place first? The reason is simple - when you do this, you can easily find out how your friends would do things, make a decision, how their parents would response. You never do this before, so whatever decision we made, you might just feel it's not a right one to you - because it is against your wish.

Could I ask you a couple of simple questions? -- how important your parents to you? Do you care about their feeling? Why do they care and worry about you? You don't need to answer these questions to me or to your mother, but, please just ask them to yourself, and find the answer for yourself.

You feel you have grown up, you can make decision for yourself. That's fine -- both your mother and I have gone through your age long time before. The important is you need to understand -- as an audit or a grown-up person, he/she will be responsible for the results of his/her decision.

To your mother and me, our wish to you is very simple - you would not pay a very high price for your growing up. However, frankly speaking, to me it appears that very likely would not be true.

Take care.

Han Jiangbo

Global Warming

2007-10-11T16:11:00.000+07:00

I shall first of all comment on the documentary we had to watch today in school about Global Warming from Al Gore's point of view.

Well, it was an extremely enlightening documentary first of all. It covered most aspects (causes, predicted consequences, possible solutions etc) of Global Warming. It is indeed becoming a huge matter of worry now and the severe consequences are stated explicitly.

So many 'natural' disasters have occurred over the past decade including floods, heatwaves, hurricanes and so on. And most of them are the worst ever in recorded history. The most disturbing images of all were probably the cases of Hurricane Katrina, the heatwaves that killed thousands of people.

It is quite unbelievable how badly the atmosphere is damaged by mere human species. Us, Homo sapiens evolved from apes. The unerasable impact it has on our own habitat. It is quite immoral when you think about it. It's like damaging our own shelter that provides us with protection.

But this documentary doesn't change what I think about politicians in any way. First of all, the exaggerations for example the part about a polar bear swimming 60 miles just to find a piece of ice and dying of exhaustion due to the lack of ice blocks. Also, how Al Gore mentioned his Grade 6 experience. It is not common, and neither is it normal for a man who is currently near to his 60s to remember an insignificant matter that happened decades ago.

I refuse, and I am incapable of denying that his speech was a very influential one though.

Emotions

2007-10-07T15:42:00.000+07:00

I have the rights and enough proof to label myself as somebody who is incapable of having normal feelings and reactions for certain situations.

When people go through experiences like being physically or mentally abused, no matter if it is a long-term or a one-time thing, they tend to be traumatized, and insecure under similar circumstances in future.

The thing I realized is that I can't feel much, if anything about everything I went through. Nothing at all. The events just doesn't seem real, they all seem like hallucinations. I have no idea myself. All I know is that I am disabled to bear human emotions. And no excuse is valid for that.

Guitar string

2007-10-07T07:27:00.000+07:00

I am fuming mad right now. I was finally getting past 1:05 of Canon in D then the high E string just had to snap because of excessive bending and the fucked up quality of the strings. Heaven is working against me today, on the day of my birth. How pleasing can that be? The most comforting thing to ever happen. When I decided today would be the day I'll practice my ass off. And now I'm left with only 5 guitar strings at 7.30AM in the blistering morning.

I'm so envious of the girls on Youtube who can shred and sweep and pull off awesome solos. I want to burn them all. But neither do I have potential nor patience to practice. Shame on me.

Anyway, I'm in with Felix, Arief, ChiaLynn and Lisa now. Out with CMF. Hooray.

No Flag

2007-10-06T20:38:00.000+07:00

I have no flag
I have no lover
I have no lover

Listening to daydream nation
Will not
Bring him to me
Bring him to me

Acoustic

2007-10-06T20:01:00.001+07:00

She amazes me in every single way possible. No I'm not homosexual. I just admire her for that voice and that moving song. Yes I'm a faggot who appreciates songs like that.

I figured out the chords.
C Am Em x2
Dm G7 x2
F Fm